I was reading this post at The Outlaw Safehouse and felt I needed to share something that I have believed for some time. Those of you that truly know me have heard this before. I actually thought I had even written a post about it but, when I went to find it, it wasn’t there. So now I have to share my theory again, even though I know it will shock some of you. But I’d say it’s pretty clear.

Barbie is a hooker.

OK, I know those of you that grew up playing with Barbie are pretty pissed right now, but answer one question: Where did Barbie get enough money for a beach house, a Jeep, a Porsche, a Corvette, an RV and an insane wardrobe. I know what you’re saying. You say “she had a job”. But did she really?

Let’s just look at the evidence that Barbie was gainfully employed. Namely, people point out the jobs she had based on her wardrobe. Let’s be realistic though. There is no way Barbie had all those jobs. I did some research and, on Wikipedia, I was able to copy a list of her various “professions”. This is their list, and I’m not even sure it’s complete (note, I took a couple out that were essentially repetitive):

• Teacher
• Designer
• Hair Dresser
• Dentist
• Medical doctor
• Nurse
• Pediatrician
• Surgeon
• Veterinarian
• United States Army
• United States Air Force
• United States Air Force Thunderbirds
• United States Marine Corps
• United States Navy
• United States President
• UNICEF Ambassador for world peace
• Firefighter
• Police officer
• Life guard
• Canadian Mountie
• Astronaut
• Flight Attendant
• NASCAR
• Pilot
• Babysitter
• Business executive
• Cowgirl
• Chef
• Paleontologist
• McDonald’s cashier
• Starfleet officer
• Soda fountain Waitress
• See’s Candy cashier
• Spice Girl
• Disney Princess

Now, it’s pretty clear to me that there is no way anybody actually held all those jobs. So that begs the question. If she didn’t have all those jobs, why did she need all those costumes? And what about all of the period costumes and movie costumes she has that aren’t even related to a “career”?

The answer is simple. Barbie is a hooker who specializes in role play fetishes. Now, I’ve never heard of anyone having a Paleontologist fetish, but that doesn’t mean such a thing doesn’t exist. And I’m not even sure I want to know what a UNICEF Ambassador for world peace fetish is all about. But, let’s be honest here, there is no other reasonable explanation for a woman like Barbie having a Starfleet Officer uniform. I mean, c’mon, I saw Trekkies. No offense but none of those women looked anything like Barbie. But I can most definitely see the guys in the movie going out and paying top dollar for a hot blond dressed like someone from Star Trek. Then there are Flintstones Barbies, Munsters Barbies, Superhero Barbies, Barbie in various ethnic costumes…

This is obviously how Barbie was able to afford all of the bling. I bet it costs top dollar to bang a hooker that dresses like Scarlet O’Hara. (I actually considered trying to price that but I honestly have no idea where to look on the net to get a quote.) How else could this woman not only afford all the toys I mentioned, but also afford several horses, a zebra, a lion and even a panda?

So, as you can see, the evidence clearly indicates that Barbie is a very high dollar hooker .

Oh, and look at this picture and tell me Ken isn’t gay.